Archive for March, 2017


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You know I love EastEnders. I’ve had a run for at least four years where I haven’t missed an episode. In the days of the Lucy Beale Saga I was even known to watch episodes twice in case I’d missed anything. Bordering on pathetic, I know, but this heart only beats for one soap and that’s Easties.

However, those days of double viewings are long gone. Since the autumn, it’s hurts me to say, EastEnders has been a disappointment, with the only bit of real excitement being the soon-forgotten bus crash. Gone are the firecracker episodes of recent years (the live episode, Sharon and Phil’s wedding, all the Carter chaos, Claw-dette and the aftermath of Paul’s death to list just a few), instead we’re left with pathetic, half-arsed sighs of episodes, like the writers have actually just given up. Lazy writing, boring storylines and character personality swaps – here’s just handful of reasons I think EastEnders is going wrong!

  • Ronnie and Roxy – I’ve already written about this but still….What the HELL?! Four months later and I’m still not over it. Two of the most iconic characters played by very skilled actresses bumped off in a very (ahem) damp storyline. Ronnie and Roxy deserved so much more than a hastily written exit clearly fashioned to grab cheap ratings. Please, EastEnders, let it all be a dream and just bring them back!
  • Mass Character Culling – it’s not just R&R who have been victims of an over-hasty axing. It seems to be the strongest characters who have left suddenly over the past few months. First, Pam and Les, a couple representing everyday folk, suddenly shoved in a taxi and sent off to Worthing. Then there was Claudette, a fiery matriarch with so many secrets yet to be uncovered. She had one hissy fit with Patrick and disappeared into the night. And don’t even get me started on Babe, who gave her finest performance yet in her last episodes. (I think I’m going to start cursing people too). That’s before we even mention Lee and Belinda! Jeez, Easties, get a grip!
  • Boring newbies – I’m talking about the teens. Stereotypical and dull. Teenagers don’t talk like that. It makes me cringe every time. Stop it, EastEnders. Stop it now.
  • Pointless returns – I am all for a return, especially if it’s an unusual one, such as Yolande or Derek, but what I don’t like is characters who are brought back for no reason. Yolande hovered about for a couple of minutes before disappearing back into the ether. WTF. In previous years we’ve had some fantastic surprise returns (remember Anthony when Patrick had a stroke? Rainie Cross revealing a secret bunk up with Ian? Morgan and Tiff for Whitney’s wedding? Not to mention Kathy. KATHY!) all of which have had a purpose and been really effective
  • Dull storylines – One word. Bins. Need I say anymore?
  • Mick and Whitney – The whole ‘will they, won’t they’ thing with Whit and Mick has been ridiculous. We all know Mick would never cheat on Linda, they’re the most solid couple on square. Stop trying to force this one on us, scriptwriters, it’s not working.
  • Ben and Johnny – Oh I could write a whole post about this one! Ben and Johnny have been mates for years, barely a hint at romance. In fact, years ago, when Johnny had a different face, he rejected Ben and that has sort of been the basis of their friendship since. Until last week when all the other characters suddenly and fleetingly decided they were ‘meant for each other’ (and kept repeating it throughout the episode just to really shove it down our throats). Of course, by the end of the episode they were in bed together. Because, of course, gay men can’t be friends, they always end up shagging their mates. *massive eye roll*
  • Pointless, slapdash storylines – the bus crash – no aftermath. Ronnie and Roxy’s deaths – pitiful aftermath. Johnny and Ben sleep together – agree to be friends again at the beginning of the next episode. Denise’s mum casually reveals she was adopted as she’s getting in a car to leave – barely mentioned again. On times it feels like the story threads have been planned by a hyper-active cocker spaniel. There such a lack of direction or continuity that it makes you think this new producer hates the show and is sabotaging it from the inside….
  • Michelle – It was very brave of producers to recast Michelle, and to an extent it has worked. It’s been good to see the Fowlers branch out a bit and perhaps, if a return of Vicky or Mark Junior was in the works, Michelle might stand a bit more chance of succeeding. So far her constant moaning and references to ‘the way mum use to’ do things is getting on my nerves. Though I must admit her special episode with Sharon was fabulous, full of witty, emotive dialogue. My advice – get rid of Preston, stick her with Sharon and bring in some of her kids. Oh, and let her carry on teaching.
  • Dreadful writing – I remember the days when the writing used to fizz and pop. With the exception of a handful of episodes, the writing this year has been pretty bland. Being able to guess what a character is going to say word for word is not a sign of good writing, and that seems to be happening a lot. We’re suddenly being subjected to a barrage of stock-phrases (‘poor kid’, ‘who does something like that?’, ‘Is this some kind of sick joke?’ *shudders*). Another hint that the writers have just given up.

There was a time when, if you’d have said I’d be writing such a negative blog about my beloved EastEnders, I’d have told you to sling yer ‘ook and get outta ma pub. I’ve tried so hard over the last few months to ignore the building negativity but I just can’t handle it anymore! This week has been billed as ‘explosive’ with the reveal of Michelle and Preston’s forbidden relationship and a rumoured disaster. I’m pinning all my hopes on it living up to the hype, with some powerful performances and possibly some surprises in store, because if it’s another disappointment, I might be giving Easties the duff duffs.

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Right, it’s official. I can’t stop buying theatre tickets. I’m seeing six productions before June and already looking for summer productions. I’ve been keeping up to date with West End productions lately and I noticed The Harold Pinter Theatre has become the first to request that audience members do not eat or drink during its performance of Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?. Apparently Imelda Staunton, who plays Martha in the production, is very much against people eating in theatres and has cited it as distracting and rude behaviour.

I must admit, I’m with Imelda. When you think about it, it’s an odd notion. ‘You just stand there and speak and I’m going to watch you whilst I eat popcorn.’ As someone who has dabbled with treading the boards, I can imagine just how infuriating it must be to be mid-monologue, only to have the tension broken by someone opening a bag of Doritos. Imelda apparently said she can’t understand why people can’t go a few hours without eating. Again I agree. It seems to be the norm to see people piling into theatres carrying bags of sweets and crisps and whatever-else, but really they have paid for a ticket to watch the play. Not shovel Rolos in their mouths. In most cases people would have perhaps gone for dinner beforehand too so….why all the food? I can understand an interval ice cream and I’m certainly pro-water. The last thing the actors need is to put up with one of my unfortunately timed coughing fits so I always make sure I have a bottle of water with me.

Imelda’s comments reminded me of something I’ve often thought when visiting the theatre. Whatever happened to Theatre Etiquette? I’ve been going to the theatre since I was a child and I was always aware there were some rules. No talking being rule number one. But in some productions I’ve been to lately, people just don’t seem to care! They’ll gladly and loudly chat to their friend, sometimes about the price of the programme, sometimes about the view (or ‘I can’t hear what she’s saying! Can you?’) and is there anything more annoying than someone providing their friend with a running commentary? (‘That’s the brother she thought had died….)

Another important rule – Make sure your phone is switched off. I went to see Stig of the Dump at the Open Air Theatre in Chester last summer. One man in the audience was talking so loudly to the people around him that we thought he was part of the production! Then, just as the story was really kicking in, this man’s phone rang….and he answered it! Not only that, but he continued the conversation for a good two minutes before an usher politely asked him to stop…and he shushed her! I’m sure you can imagine the huffs, puffs and glares coming from our corner. Ooh it makes me furious just thinking about it!

Thirdly, and I’m aware this might be a personal preference, but I always thought of the theatre as a place you visit in your best clothes. I’m not talking tux and ball gown, but certainly smart/casual. I went to see Joseph last year and I was shocked at how many people had rocked up in tracksuits. TRACKSUITS! It’s also worth mentioning that at this performance of Joseph a bunch of people in front of me were singing along! Cue sighs, tuts and eyerolls from G. I prefer to save my singing for outside the theatre and let the performers do their job. I also prefer to shut up and allow the people around me to enjoy listening to the trained singers. Surely, it’s a mark of respect. These people are performing for us, putting themselves all out there and sometimes going through horrendous emotions. The least we can do is not dress like we’re going to a gym class.

I say bring back theatre etiquette. Oh, and next time you’re at the theatre, particularly if you’re sitting behind me, don’t eat, don’t talk, don’t sing and for God’s sake make an effort!

It’s Saturday. The high point of the week. The bottom of the countdown. I’ve been out to visit my family, as I do most Saturdays, and I’ve come back to the flat to carry out the traditional Saturday clean. I start in the kitchen and work my way through until every room is spotless. I feel like I can’t enjoy my weekend unless I’ve carried out this weekly routine. I check my phone at regular intervals. Snapchat, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter. (No Facebook. I’ve mentioned before how I hate Facebook. In my opinion, it transforms friendships into cyber-friendships, and before long you’ve forgotten what this person looks like because you only ever communicate via memes of cats.)

On this particular Saturday, I’m feeling very perky. I’ve got my iPod plugged in and I’m belting out some classics as I scrub, because I am in a very good mood. Last night, I did something new. Something totally out of character that has recharged my batteries. Last night, I went out. Alone. OK, I didn’t go to a club or a bar, but I called in at my local theatre. I became a member late last year and have dropped in two or three times, so I vaguely know a handful of people.  On Friday they were having a bit of a get together so I got dressed up and strutted on over. It was awesome. Nothing major to report, but I was out, interacting with other people, face to face. Talking to people. And it felt good!

Don’t feel sorry for me. Put those tiny violins away, my friends. I’m pretty sure I’m just experiencing something a lot of people my age go through. The majority of my friends have moved away, got married, had kids, settled down etc. and I just…well…haven’t. No one is to blame. It’s just one of those things.

Anyway, I came back from the theatre on Friday with a great big smile across my face because I’d broken the routine. The monotony. I’d gone out!

Don’t think I sit alone in the flat every weekend. It’s not like that. I’ll occasionally go out with my wonderful work friends or visit the theatre with some old school mates, but most of my weekends follow the same template. There’s no spontaneity anymore. I never get a random text inviting me round and neither does my doorbell ring unexpectedly. That’s what I miss.

As a child, I remember how exciting it was to see the familiar car of a friend or relative who just thought they’d drop in for a cup of tea. That never happens anymore! I’m not just talking about in my own life but it seems to be a dying act. If anyone is going to visit you, you know about it, sometimes days, in advance. Is technology to blame? Has text messaging led to the death of spontaneous visits? Now I understand this isn’t for everyone. I would love it if someone thought to call in on me by surprise but I know my Dad hates having visitors, never mind unexpected ones! But it’s another arrow in my war against social media. Does it stop spontaneous visits? Even my grandparents tell me to call them before I visit to check they’re home (which I quietly refuse to do. If they’re not in when I rock up, I’m not bothered because I decided to visit them.)

It all boils down to my continuing argument – Does social media actually make us less social? Have we lost the art of being social?  Has the convenience of technology made socialising…well….inconvenient? And are we too caught up in creating false lives online that we forget to live real ones? When I was growing up I always imagined my life being a bit like ‘Friends’. People would drop in whenever, help themselves to my fridge contents and there’d always be someone around to have a coffee with. Now, I know that’s not really a realistic expectation, (and on reflection I’m not really sure I want you poking around in my fridge, thank you very much!) but it just shows how times have changed. Would Ross and Rachel be together if they met in 2017? This cynical sod says no, because they’d be too busy counting their Instagram likes to notice each other!

Anyway, here I am. Saturday. Hoovering the hallway, sink full of bleach water. Living room smelling like polish and incense. And then a sad realisation washes over me. Every Saturday I emulate my parents. When I was young, Saturday was the cleaning day. The house would be cleaned from top to bottom just in case anyone was to pop over. Twenty years later, I’m doing that in my own place.  Only, times have changed, and the doorbell doesn’t ring.

Bloody technology!

My countdown continues! Below are my top eight most WTF moments in NuWho. Allonsy!

Number 8 – Oswin Oswald, Asylum of the Daleks, Series 7.

We kneImage result for Oswin Oswald gifw Jenna Coleman was the new companion but didn’t expect her to pop up alongside Amy and Rory in Asylum of the Daleks. OK, she wasn’t playing Clara Oswald but Oswin Oswald, who turned out to be a version of Clara….confused? Well this brings me on to…..

 

Number 7 – Clara’s secret finally revealed, The Name of the Doctor, series 7.

We’d been guessing for months as to who on Earth Clara Oswald was and The Name of the Doctor finally revealed her true identity which was…..Clara Oswald. Not some sinister force sent to destroy the Doctor or a forgotten Timelord, as some speculated, but an ordinary Earth girl. At the end of the episode she rescues the Doctor by stepping into his timeline, scattering herself across his many lives, thus explaining why she kept popping up in previous episodes. Clever! The cold-open of this episode is gasp-inducing enough with the many references to the Doctor’s past faces, but, just to push any fan over the edge, we’re then hit with the arrival of the War Doctor played by John Hurt! Boom! Fangasms all round.

Number 6 – ‘I don’t want to go’, The End of Time, Part 2

The death toll was ringing for the Tenth Doctor for what seemed like years, but on New Year’s Day 2010 the mystic Ood in the snow finally sent him to his maker. After visiting several of his favourite companions, the Tenth Doctor stumbled into the TARDIS and began to regenerate, delivering one final heart-breaking line. As with many of the Doctor’s best moments, this was made extra-special by Murray Gold’s incredible soundtrack.

Number 5 – Rose’s death, Doomsday, Series 2.

‘This is the story of how I died.’Image result for rose tyler bad wolf bay gif

Drama queen Rose sets the story off to a happy start, leaving viewers on the edge of their seats, knowing this was Billie Piper’s last episode (or so we thought). The battle of Canary Wharf with Torchwood, Daleks and Cybermen, ensured the second series ended with a bang, but the WTF moment came as Rose was sucked closer to the void opening, only to be rescued at the very last minute by her fake-Dad from a parallel universe. Sealed in Other Earth, Rose gets one last chance to say goodbye to the Doctor in Bad Wolf Bay. No one needs reminding of that beach scene. *sniff* but the Whoniverse did do a great big sigh of relief as Rose survived in another world, but technically dead in this one.

Number 4 – ‘You Are Not Alone’, Gridlock, Series 3. 

Gridlock is an underrated episode. A simple idea – The Doctor and Martha visit New Earth only to find the majority of New New York’s citizens are trapped on an underground motorway and have been for many years. It’s in this episode that the Doctor starts to reveal his past to Martha, explaining how the rest of his species were killed and he is now the last of his kind. Most of the action takes place within various vehicles, but key themes of belief and hope are powerfully conveyed. The scene where drivers take part in the ‘daily contemplation’ is very moving. It all ends with the Doctor over-riding the motorway system, freeing everyone who is trapped and allowing them to rebuild the city. He’s helped by the Face of Boe, who shares his final secret with him before he dies – ‘You Are Not Alone’. Enigmatic, right?

Number 3 – The 50th Anniversary, The Day of the Doctor, Special episode.

Months of teasers and guesswork led to this massive episode. Event television at its finest. The Day of the Doctor had lots of references to the history of the show, as well as setting up the return of Gallifrey for future episodes. Long awaited shots of the time war were spectacular and the returns of David Tennant, Billie Piper, Jemma Redgrave, Tom Baker and the Zygons satisfied viewers around the world. Throw in a secret Doctor (played to perfection by John Hurt) and an impossible choice and you have an emotionally charged celebratory episode. (Note: We also get introduced to Osgood in this episode and she is several kinds of awesomeness.)

Number 2 – Melody Pond, A Good Man Goes to War, Series 6.Image result for a good man goes to war gif

Mid-season cliffhanger alert! Professor River Song’s (AKA The Doctor’s wife) identity was finally revealed during this episode. Showing up just as the Doctor has lost the battle of demon’s run, with Amy and Rory’s new baby, Melody, being kidnapped by the genuinely terrifying Madam Kovarian, River tries to console the grieving parents. Taking a prayer leaf embroidered with Melody’s name, River explains that the name (Melody Pond…with me?) translates as River Song. Thus revealing that through timey-wimey madness she is Amy and Rory’s daughter. Despite looking fifteen years older than them.

Number 1 – Everything, Turn Left/The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End, Series 4.

Nothing can top these three episodes. This was Doctor Who at its peak, for me. The end of RTD’s era saw a culmination of plot threats and great big mega-fan-wanky (his words, not mine) finale. Turn Left was a masterpiece, re-visiting events from the last few series from the perspective of Donna Noble (in my opinion, the best companion). We also got a glimpse of the dystopic nightmare world that exists without the Doctor. (Mass-death, concentration camps, segregation…not exactly a light and fluffy episode!) The final few moments where Donna reveals she’s met Rose Tyler (‘She said….two words….Bad Wolf’) still gives me shivers and then there’s the trailer for the next episode! I don’t think I’ve ever fangirled so much over a trailer. Flashes of all the favourite characters from past seasons and spin-off shows (Torchwood and The Sarah Jane Adventures) as well as a Red Dalek! Harriet Jones! Captain Jack! K9! All in one episode?! Christ, I was so excited. I’ve watched The Stolen/Earth and Journey’s End so many times I can almost quote it off by heart. The way all the characters play a part and threads are brought together so neatly is fantastic and a masterclass in storytelling. And then there’s that regeneration shocker! Catherine Tate is also at her peak in these episodes, proving Donna Noble is totally kick ass. By the end, you’ll be in tears.  Whether it’s at the Earth being saved (with that wonderful music), Donna Noble leaving the TARDIS in heart-breaking fashion, or just because you’re so bloody happy that everyone is together!

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